My first love

 Love

My first love.  It is a he . 

My first love is kind, nice and amazing, He is my hero. I felt safe and I can be anyone anything around him. He make me feel so smart while making me teach him and yap all the weird thing I have learned and all the things I've done during  the day knowing he himself is a teacher. 

My first love is my family. 

My first love was my everything and he lets me do everything and would do anything for me.

And I am afraid I am loosing memory of us, but I remember sitting on his shoulder walking down the road singing "twinkle twinkle little star" while I look up at the sky without any worry of falling. A genuine time I was so safe without any Worldly disturbance.

I am sure I have more memories, good memory at that  but they are vanishing or was it never there . As I went more far from where I used to be I get to seee more widely. A sudden moment of shouting and screaming at each other. Running away for a while to be safe for a while. 

My hero can be a villain. A villain who is also in pain but also cause pain to my home.

My first love is changing shape and he is stuck in this new shape. But he look stuck, will anyone be able to reshape him can I? Can he? ... But I need him.I need my first love my hero.  

A shield sometimes become a bomb. Few bits of addiction let to loose control. All the tears was not enought to drown him to renew him, reshape him. 

(A new word I learned 

Pistanthrophobia )

My first love make me understand this word and relate so much. A love so big to Bigger disappointment. Longing to escaping. 

My first love is loosing his spark he is lost.

It's Okay

 

Why is it so easy to say iam ok, it's okay.

Is it because it's shorter or more convinean to say okay than to actually explain what or how you really feel , go though or just the disappointment you get after they don't get you and understand even after explain what actually happens.

So How are you. Oh iam okay ....Really...yeah iam fine. 

From being a person looking for every excuse to cry over. To ask some help from crying so that our mom or anyone to tell us we will be okay we will be safe and give you some attention. Is this really the process of growing up?. 

Going out to feel more alive, incomplete assignment and fever sticking around in summer really make you say iam okay more than ever. Cause not just inside but fever really brings all the body and expresson Down kinda makes you look like a corpse just kidding a lot prettier than a corpse but similar.

Being independent and not wanting to worry parents hit hard when you're shaking, barely alive, to be fair it kinda feels like that and knows if nothing goes inside you you're not getting up and no one knows you're even breathing.

And After the day drinking coffee to stay awake ~eyy we know you're not allowed to drink coffee~ yeah but got to get something done and everything was going smoothly until it's 1:30 am and you're just sitting in bed and that heart thing just start to beat a lot maybe I am a bit like a musician cause the beat was louder in the head.  Being a musician is so cool tho .And so, someone come to ask if you're not going to sleeping just cause they can't sleep in the light.A bit disappointed but.

The look of a more dissatisfied person just walk past and the soul inside kinda dropped a lot never knew things could get that low. 

But I saw somewhere that when he pray to God for strength God give him situation he need to learn to have strength, when he ask for love he is given a situation where he need to give love.. 

Make me remember my prayers. While I was questioning and got lost somewhere I was in the process of recieving my prayer. Day by Day I am building a person who I pray to become who I dreamed to become. 

So it's Okay

dizzy

 Little late nad never on time.

What if all of this is fake what if we aren't real and just not exist. It's okay not to be perfect it's okay to make mistake but every one is rushing towards being perfect. Not knowing how many people they have tomped on along the way. Just to get to where they want just to complain again.

While I am fight my own battle. How can I compete even when I don't win against me I am my worst enemy "I don't hate anyone" just because I like everyone or I don't have anyone who I hate  doesn't mean there aren't. Just there are not a single soul in this world that hate me more than I do.  

I woke up is it 7 am looking at the time it's already 12 pm the world's spinning too fast it's making me dizzy. U want me to sleep but if I close my eyes the voices are louder than ever what escape are there than just scroll all the way until your whole body shut down.

When it shut down isn't dream land suppose to be better than reality?.... I lost everything there and there was a flash and suddenly falling down faster so fast but so slow? ...like there is no end but the end is the worst ever that could happen and it all become so dark just to be chases by something.......but what could it be so scary and heartbreaking situation. Running breathless looking around for someone or something that could help only to find more dangerous things.

What else can I do but to look back in time only to realise It was never better. Every good moment disappeared or was it never there. Top the thinking or all those left memory will creep in again STOP thinking or it will hunt you again.

Words was all I trust and hold on to until words are only just words. What's there to believe when all the words spoken were never mean when it's spoken all those empty words. Looks so full yet so hollow even a little could fall into it. 

Wait..?... how can I when all I ever did was wait. 1 more time? I already did it 1000 time only to be left alone left with the empty soul it wasn't ment to be like this.? Yes it wasn't but we make it