My first love

 Love

My first love.  It is a he . 

My first love is kind nice and amazing, He is my hero. I felt safe and I can be anyone anything around him. He make me feel so smart making me teach him all the weird thing I have learned and all the things I've done during  the day knowing he himself is a teacher. 

My first love is my family. 

My first love was my everything and he lets me do everything and would do anything for me.

And I am afraid I am loosing memory of us, but I remember sitting on his shoulder walking down the road singing "twinkle twinkle little star" while I look up at the sky without any worry of falling. A genuine time I was so safe without any Worldly disturbance.

I am sure I have more memories, good. memories but they are vanishing or was it never there. As I went more far from where I used to be, I get to seee more widely. A sudden moment of shouting and screaming at each other. Running away for a while to be safe for a while. 

My hero can be a villain. A villain who is also in pain but also cause pain to my home.

My first love is changing shape and he is stuck in this new shape. But he look stuck, will anyone be able to reshape him can I? Can he? ... But I need him.I need my first love my hero.  

A shield sometimes become a bomb. Few bits of addiction let to loose control. All the tears was not enought to drown him to renew him, reshape him. 

(A new word I learned 

Pistanthrophobia )

My first love make me understand this word and relate so much. A love so big to Bigger disappointment. Longing to escaping. 

My first love is loosing his spark he is lost.

It's Okay

 Why is it so easy to say iam ok, it's okay.

Is it because it's shorter or more convinean to say okay than to actually explain what or how you really feel , go though or just the disappointment you get after they don't get you and understand even after explain what actually happens.

So How are you. Oh iam okay ....Really...yeah iam fine. 

From being a person looking for every excuse to cry over. To ask some help from crying so that our mom or anyone to tell us we will be okay we will be safe and give you some attention. Is this really the process of growing up?. 

Going out to feel more alive, incomplete assignment and fever sticking around in summer really make you say iam okay more than ever. Cause not just inside but fever really brings all the body and expresson Down kinda makes you look like a corpse just kidding a lot prettier than a corpse but similar.

Being independent and not wanting to worry parents hit hard when you're shaking, barely alive, to be fair it kinda feels like that and knows if nothing goes inside you you're not getting up and no one knows you're even breathing.

And After the day drinking coffee to stay awake ~eyy we know you're not allowed to drink coffee~ yeah but got to get something done and everything was going smoothly until it's 1:30 am and you're just sitting in bed and that heart thing just start to beat a lot maybe I am a bit like a musician cause the beat was louder in the head.  Being a musician is so cool tho .And so, someone come to ask if you're not going to sleeping just cause they can't sleep in the light.A bit disappointed but.

The look of a more dissatisfied person just walk past and the soul inside kinda dropped a lot never knew things could get that low. 

But I saw somewhere that when he pray to God for strength God give him situation he need to learn to have strength, when he ask for love he is given a situation where he need to give love.. 

Make me remember my prayers. While I was questioning and got lost somewhere I was in the process of recieving my prayer. Day by Day I am building a person who I pray to become who I dreamed to become. 

So it's Okay

dizzy

 Little late nad never on time.

What if all of this is fake what if we aren't real and just not exist. It's okay not to be perfect it's okay to make mistake but every one is rushing towards being perfect. Not knowing how many people they have tomped on along the way. Just to get to where they want just to complain again.

While I am fight my own battle. How can I compete even when I don't win against me I am my worst enemy "I don't hate anyone" just because I like everyone or I don't have anyone who I hate  doesn't mean there aren't. Just there are not a single soul in this world that hate me more than I do.  

I woke up is it 7 am looking at the time it's already 12 pm the world's spinning too fast it's making me dizzy. U want me to sleep but if I close my eyes the voices are louder than ever what escape are there than just scroll all the way until your whole body shut down.

When it shut down isn't dream land suppose to be better than reality?.... I lost everything there and there was a flash and suddenly falling down faster so fast but so slow? ...like there is no end but the end is the worst ever that could happen and it all become so dark just to be chases by something.......but what could it be so scary and heartbreaking situation. Running breathless looking around for someone or something that could help only to find more dangerous things.

What else can I do but to look back in time only to realise It was never better. Every good moment disappeared or was it never there. Top the thinking or all those left memory will creep in again STOP thinking or it will hunt you again.

Words was all I trust and hold on to until words are only just words. What's there to believe when all the words spoken were never mean when it's spoken all those empty words. Looks so full yet so hollow even a little could fall into it. 

Wait..?... how can I when all I ever did was wait. 1 more time? I already did it 1000 time only to be left alone left with the empty soul it wasn't ment to be like this.? Yes it wasn't but we make it 

What if

 What if it does not.

We always confront our self that it will be alright and everything will work out no matter what.

 No amount of what if  should stop our self from trying and let get our self down. But there is always a big What IF that we cannot ignore. What if everything we do and all the hard work we put into  something actually turns out to be a fail. Such thought is something that our self conscious always have and its the thought that make us keep going as well as that stopped us.  

Wanting a good result every time is not possible and only left us with a broken heart. Sometimes instead of avoiding and ignore but it is not always the best solution. Gathering all the possibilities of all the result and how it might actually turn out and just sit with the thought of winning as well as losing and face it before it totally destroy you.  Become friend with the thought and embrace our failure is a necessary, for they are also a part of you. That need company.

Just sit with the all the thought and let it all sink in and understand it or at leas try to bare with it. Spend all he time necessary with it instead of running away from it. What if I fail, what if I fall, what if I am left behind and all the other what if we can think of. We can always tell our self that what if that don't  happens but how about what if it happens. What if I fail, I tried my best, you tried your best, we always do. Even when it seemed like we did not put much effort and all we always tried and do our own self best cause best for everyone have its own limit.

Sometimes trying our best and get ahead of our self and tried our very best  to catch up with others without them knowing we have used so much energy and chose the hard way to get there. But what if you don't have to do it the hard way and maybe there is always a safer way that is waiting for you to find. The way that you accidentally  unconsciously ignored in the thought of the harder way. A little calmness a little What if I don't win, to what if I learn more from it? 

Let yourself free, feel all the emotions fall and fall so, even leaf fall and die. Yeah so sudden, but we will all die its a fact but we are not dead and still alive and well. When leaf was still in the trees and hanging they might be scared of falling too but when it fall and reach the ground they might actually feel safe and unconcerned and rather calm and slowly become one with the soil.

The life we live are all about accepting we don't need to understand and get it all.

What if we fail.

The silent road

Wanna be a daily blogger but many days I have missed sounds more like irregular blogger. But somehow got through the excuses and star again. Soo..

Walked down the road under the moon lit night. With lemon tea holding on the side with one hand intertwined with another hand so warm in the cold winter. 

So cold yet so warm. The tea so hot and took too long to gulp it all and to makke it easier to gulp. Took away from where it was and pour it from one cup to another to cool it down. Everything seemed so perfect and the tea at a perfect temperature warm not hot just perfect. 

Waiting for others that were so slow from playing too much. Would we still be this close next 10 years yes is the answer but how time have change the situations. 

A little cat that break the awkwardness in the silence of that dark road that was so empty. Not a fan of cat noticed but the action and card shown to the cat was so lovely. Then notices came rushing the sound of kids having fun only to turn out to be of adulting human. 

Waited them for long time now the silence turned into a circus where youth feels so real. Not knowing what the future holds having fun and joking around and claiming forever and making promises that weren't for us to make.

The stars were bright as ever where the moon was. playing hide and seek. The shade of the trees from the stree lamp was dark as always. The branches of the trees so dark look rather hunted and would grab and swallow whoever it can grab. 

The sudden thought of fear as a child came flowing seeing the darkness around  but the crowd that was there makes it seemed impossible for the memory of those dark imagination stain. 

The quiet road that was empty was filled of laughter and memory that no one will ever be able to remove.

Little angel

 

The innocence in a child so pure. 

Only in need of things that are infront of them without Worldly trouble and the caos happening. They see the thing that are happening infront of them and think and know about only  that are visible to them without any extra thought to it.

Saying what they wanted to, weather it's hurtful or not but is not hurtful enought for a grown person or hurt q person's ego as it is the truth they speak of and they mean it in good way. 

Living without any care in the world where crying could give them love and care. Playing with sand and toys anything would entertain them no need of expensive materials. 

Running around screaming spreading energy and joy for the whole family and when tired just sleep off. 

Anywhere just sleep where they haven't know of the word I cannot sleep and would just doss off anywhere. Feeling safe knowing that people are there will help and take care of him.

Every step it takes are  a memorable moment for the family. Every new words spoken are recordable and are best news awaited for the whole family. New songs learned and poems learned are like a very expensive concert for the family. 

Standing in the middle getting everyones attention, shouting out The alphabets where after every letter would get praise. 

So much joy and love it brings. Connecting and binding a family that were unknowingly drifting apart. A little treasure so precious.

Wherever it may grow to be let there be love that follows like the love it give and recieve as a kid. The healing he brings and all the love he is full of may it be a part of him. May the world not break that trust it have to always sleep peacefully. 

The care free to run around and be in contact with nature may the worldly thing not distract him away.

Glimpse Of MCC

 The Earthiness in mcc. 

Chennai is a verry hot and humid place but inside mcc campus there are lots of plants and animals. And so the heat is more tolerable and bit cooler inside mcc campus there are some who claim it's the same but to me personally the moment we went outside the campus and come inside the campus the heat is definitely different.

The amount of life that is present in mcc is amazing. It's like living in a forest but with better facilities. We don't have to go to zoo to see deer, peacock. Well even sometimes we woke up because of the peacock scream? umm sorry if it's wrong but it sound so much like screaming as a student of hall resident but so much better than waking up from alarm. Umm that's understandable because they are so beautiful.

The squirrel that run around quickly, that pop out of the trees unexpected that used to suprise and scars me a lot of time. But they were never dangerous to other they live peacefully in the trees minding their own business. Sometimes I feel like they ming be thinking how noisy we the people of mcc must be. 

Still the noisier we get the more lively we are. The animals that give life to mcc. Ohh monkey I couldn't forget them. The monkey they look cute and innocent but don't be fooled by them they are only after food. They even stole the choco bar that my friend was eating that she didn't even share it to me yet. And that monkey was fast no way we can ever get it back so we just look at the monkey running off with the choco bar.

But still I hope it share it with its friends tho. Also the birds so many varieties of them. Beautiful colours they have made me want to be a bird so many time. Their chirping sound so melodious and the way they fly are so peaceful. The crows that are everywhere in mcc they are already a part of it more than most of the people here I guess.

Mostly the dogs are the only ones who would get full attendance if we take in some class. And especially this day that is 2024 of August and before there are puppies. Lots of them they are so cute and are being loved by many people. They are the most famous in mcc right now everyone taking pictures with them some bought dog food for them. Saw some even skipped class just to be with them. 

The dogs somehow used to get hurt. Seeing them and not knowing how they got hurt and mostly cannot help them is the worse feelings I have being in mcc. If only there are special vet or doctors or clubs just for protection for the dog. Cause they also have life and I have never herd if the dog agressively act towards humans. They were in need of care they are in need of attention. 

Somehow somewhere maybe they will get better and treatment from the people around them, Let's hope. And if your reading this treat the sog better 🫵🏻. Cause they cannot speak human and mcc is their only home.

With them deer they are lot of them they look so beautiful. The big ones look so magical like the one from snow white movie even the small ones too. They are so calm and huge. they have such a unique figure too. From their to their colours to their behaviour is likeable. They eat leaf and make it look so tasy and it's not even that tasty not that I tried the leaf hehe. 

The way they walk where the small ones are always at the last trying to catch up with them while being distracted by lots of things are so cute. 

There are many animals I wanted to mention more of but I don't know more of what they are called. And so if you want to know them more and you're in mcc. Just look around and see the beaty of it instead of getting distracted by phones and it will also help with your stress cause Nature is the best in calming one self and in mcc we are filled with it.  From trees to flower and from animals to people. 

Place that have so many varieties of life living in it and is still string and will keep on striving. Wishing that it would stay the same and give many more people the safety it gives. And be a place where people learns and grow.